A Burnt Offering

Urology“Take off your pants,” she said, “lie down, and cover yourself with this sheet.”

“Okay,” I said. The room was sterile and bright. I was cold.

She returned to the operating room. “All ready?”

“Yep.”

She ripped the blanket off. I was exposed. Don’t make eye contact, I thought.

She grabbed, stretched, and prodded me. “Uh, huh,” she intoned. “I see. And you’re sure you don’t want anymore kids?”

“Pretty sure,” I said, my voice rising.

She lifted and poked. Am I cheating on my wife?

“Alright. Looks good. I’m going to shave you now.”

Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think.

The blade whirred. Leave your body.

The blade buzzed. You are not here.

The blade jiggled. Master your passions.

“All done,” she said. “I’ll get the doctor.”

“Great,” I said, my legs spread and vulnerable.

“Nice to meet you,” the doctor said, slipping on his gloves. “Now, I’m going to stick a needle where it doesn’t belong. Okay? It’s probably going to hurt.”

“Oh, well, okay.” I jerked upwards in shock. My loins burned with acute pain. “Whoa, that was quick.” I was starting to sweat.

“You’re doing great,” he said, mindlessly. “I’m going to start cutting now. Tell me if you feel anything.”

I did. He was tearing apart my manhood. “I fell that. I feel that!”

“Oh, gosh. Sorry about that. I guess I should have given you more anesthetic. Here you go.”

I sat up. He had pricked me again. “Ouch.”

“Yeah, that can cause a little discomfort,” he said. “Why don’t you go ahead and lie down. Yep, like that. You’re doing great. So brave. Alright, now I’m going to sever you, burn you, clamp you, and then sew you shut. Is that okay?”

“Sure.” Holy God, let this work.

“Let me know if you feel anything other than a dull ache.”

He began his work with a worrying absentmindedness. “So what do you do?”

“I’m a teacher.”

“Oh, yeah? What do you teach?”

“Uh…a life skills curriculum…like job readiness…and stuff.” I was having trouble focusing on the conversation.

“You know,” he said, stopping and pointing his scalpel at me, “that’s such a great idea. We needed that in my high school.”

“I’ll bet.”

“You and your wife have three kids, is that right?”

“Yeah.”

“What are their names?”

“Uh,” my stomach began to roll, “uh…Regan…uh…Ellis…uh…and…and…” What was that new ones name? “Magnus…yeah, that’s it…Magnus.”

“Strong names.”

“Yep.” My body began to rock back and forth as he tugged and pulled.

“Do you know why I went into urology?”

“No.” The smell of my burning vas deferens wafted towards my nostrils.

“I get to help people, you know? I mean, really help people.” He was staring into the distance and not at my open and bleeding wounds. “It gets me out of bed, you know?”

“Yeah, sure.” He was yanking on a string that was connected to my body. I wanted to look, but I was afraid. I couldn’t bring myself to lift my head and peer down.

“Alright,” he said, smiling. “All done. I’ve sewn you up.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Now, let’s get started on the other side.”  

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