The Lioness and the Dwarf
In a windswept Denver, FC Dorning hosted the Merthyr Tydfil Pendragons last Sunday. During the pregame press conference, the Pendragons’ manager, Safwyl Tudwal (a.k.a. the Dwarf), stated flatly, “We’ll win the derby, yeah? If not, you can slap me and call me ‘Sulwen.’” Well, we here at the Daily Fantasyship stretch out our mighty hand and palm strike you—Sulwen. Your braggadocio is sickening. Your side failed to attend the derby. They were lackadaisical, untidy, and distracted, which is not a player problem, but a managerial problem. This was seen most prominently in the Dwarf’s inability to prepare for Dorning’s star Argentine striker, the Lioness, who broke through a tired and outmatched Pendragons’ defense to churn out goals like a puritan churning butter. He was both brilliant and graceful. Unless the Dwarf can right the Pendragons’ sinking ship, then surely this will be his last season at the helm.
When Dorning’s manager was asked about his shining striker, the Lioness, the One said, “I tell you, it is good to win, but…I am sad. Professionally.” When asked to expound upon his sadness after such a dominating display of football prowess, he suggested that there was no need, and that those closest to him knew the reasons for his “sadness.” While we at the Daily Fantasyship can only speculate on the One’s sadness, we are certain that it comes at the shadowy hands of the greasy Dictatorial Duo—who, of late, have been quietly licking their wounds after their last encounter with this paragon of footballing journalism.
Tune in tomorrow as we detail next week’s matchup between the Duo and the One, a match for the ages, a cosmic battle for time and space. The lingering question, however, is: Regardless of the trouncing they’ll receive, will the Duo—once again—fix the final score in their favor? Never fear, the Daily Fantasyship—your footballing watchdog—will unearth any scandalous mysteries that the Duo might sow.
In other news, Team Lightning’s fans have signed a petition to change the team’s juvenile name, better suited for a children’s toy wagon than a footballing side. Lightning’s manager, however, rejected the petition on the grounds that, “Toys are fun…and I like lightning.”
And there you have it folks, this week’s Fantasyship roundup brought to you buy the Daily Fantasyship Journal. Until next time, stay sober and stay safe.
Editor in Chief,
Benjamin John Peters