Humanity Outraged Over I.O.’s Point Reduction, Occupies The World’s City Centers In Protest
The storied climax to this year’s Rocky Mountain Cup between dual MLS powerhouses, the Colorado Rapids and Real Salt Lake—bitter rivals in contention for the MLS Cup—was last Friday night at Dick’s. Not to be missed by any true football aficionado, I prudently attended the match, twisting through both traffic and the colored October twilight. In the press box, next to the riotous Telemundo reporters, I settled in for a dandy. The teams marched onto the field; the anthem of America was sung; the ball was placed at center pitch. The referee raised his hands to sound his whistle— “Excuse, excuse,” a voice blasted over the intercom, “pardoné.” To my dismay, the Ingenious One’s face was glowing in twenty-foot high definition. The stadium stared in disbelief. “Football is a beautiful, a glorious game,” he started, “a game that champions fair play and honor. Why then, I ask you, why then is the Dictatorial Duo smearing my good reputation. If you look closely at the table, then you will know that I had nine points and was in third place, but then, lo, my points were reduced to seven and I dropped to sixth place. Why is this? I have said it before, ‘I win, but I do not win.’ You see? This is very confusing. I know I am not from your country, and I do not understand your variant on corruption, but I ask: Is this fair? Do not answer, only look!” The stadium turned its attention to the paratrooper now descending onto the pitch. “You are wondering, no? How can a man, even one such as I, both recount the details of treachery on a jumbotron and parachute onto the pitch? Well, I will tell you,” the paratrooper, now at center pitch, snatched up the game ball, “I am the Ingenious One and I do not shy away.” The paratrooper started to sprint. “Until the Duo of Evil and Masochism restore the points due to me, no one will play the football. Yes?” Deceptively quick, the Ingenious One out paced both the players and the referees, escaping via an underground hatch beneath the northern goal. The Ingenious One, having not been sighted since, missed Dorning FC’s week-seven fixture against the Flaming Fjord of Eroticism (surely why the unmanaged team slumped in defeat). The MLS has been placed on an indefinite hiatus until one of two things happen: one, the Ingenious One’s points are returned. Or two, the Ingenious One returns the MLS’ game ball. In a recent press release, the Ingenious One thanked those protesters throughout the world (the Occupy Movement) for supporting his cause and asks others to rally in defiance of injustice. And so I sign off this week’s Fantasyship coverage with this: Pole Slutten, Prissy Slutten, please stop this madness. The world is crumbling. Restore the Ingenious One’s points.