In Which I Interview My Losing Self

Controversy Ensues Over Post-Match Tradition

In a churlish display—disregarding a century old tradition—Manager Brian Gray of the Right Shower O’ Bastards refused The Ingenious One’s post-match handshake.  The two teams, equally matched in size and stature, vied for the top spot in the Fantasyship on Saturday, clashing amidst the orange hued gloaming.  A candidate for the Fantasyship’s “Game of the Year” award, the match was a gridlock of intestinal fortitude.  Manager Gray employed his ever present and most ignorant of formations, the 10-0-0.  The match looked sure to draw when, deep into extra time, Dorning FC’s defensive starlet danced down the sideline, fox-trotted to the eighteen, and shimmied the ball home.  Outraged and embarrassed, Manager Gray stormed off the pitch leaving The Ingenious One, hand extended, lonely and awkward at the altar.  A controversy ensued as the now infamous Dictatorial Duo—the Slettens—then heeded to Manager Gray’s request to tack on four extra goals to his team’s side, making the outcome a stunning 4-1 in favor of the Right Shower O’ Bastards.  Three days later a text message was intercepted traveling from the Joint Commissioners’ Cell Phone to Manager Gray’s saying, “Naughty Bears for Naughty Slettens.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!”  While it’s clear that “The Tall One”—Manager Gray’s most fitting epithet—paid off the Slettens in the form of personal pleasure, what’s not clear is exactly what the Dictatorial Duo meant by, “Naughty Bears.”  One can only guess.  When asked about the handshake—known in the blogosphere as, “el blasphemeo”—The Ingenious One responded, “What can I say?  I extend my hand.  This ‘Tall One,’ as he now goes, says, ‘no.’  Am I embarrassed?  Yes, undoubtedly.  Am I frustrated?  Yes.  I win, but I do not win.  Do you see?  This is very confusing for me.  Every morning I look into the mirror and I say, ‘IO,’ this is how I address myself, ‘IO,’ I say, ‘your blood smells of cologne.  Do not let this get you down.’  And you know?  I do not.”  According to the devilish Slettens, the loss will remain.  The Ingenious One now finds himself hovering near the bottom of the Fantasyship’s Table, where he is most assuredly overwhelmed with pressure from Dorning FC’s owner, Benjamin John Peters Viceroy III.


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