“The Ingenious One” Dumbfounded by Obscenities
In Sunday’s post-match press conference, “The Ingenious One” bemoaned both losing and the perversion of Fantasyship managers. When asked for clarification, he responded, “Did I lose today? Yes, this I cannot hide. I lost a difficult match to Mrs. Barrett and that hairy monkey she leads around by the elbow. ‘How,’ you ask? I’d rather focus on the ramblings of both our dictatorial commissioners and this self proclaimed, ‘Icehammer.’ The former renames their team after what is clearly an Eastern European hooker; the later tells the world of cream and ejaculations. I am dishonored by their presence. Does the ‘Icehammer’ not know that cow’s milk is for poo-poo babies and unicorns, not grown men?” Peters paused to sip his water before continuing, “Also, Cole Sletten sounds remarkably like Pole Slutten, which can only be referring to one thing: the gyrations of a pole dancer. Are our commissioners, both of which resemble pixies, pole dancing by night? Perhaps with the cream ejaculator? This overshadows losing. The state of our league is in disrepair. I call for a league-wide boycott of both FK Horde Prave and Firestorm Fjord. I demand—” Both “The Ingenious One’s” microphone and video feed were abruptly rendered powerless at this point in the press conference. He tapped his microphone three times, realized what had happened, and began shouting the lyrics to U2’s “Sunday Bloody Sunday!” While authorities are still searching for the culprit, it is becoming increasingly clear that the Fantasyship’s commissioners are doing everything in their power to silence Dorning FC’s Manager. Which raises the question: What are they hiding?