The “Ingenious One” Decries Lack of Competition
With Sunday’s Fantasyship Draft expectantly creeping on us like a tip-toeing ninja at midnight, it’s no surprise that the “Ingenious One” is knee deep in chicanery. While Peters is well known for such escapades as conducting interviews while executing handstands, singing show tunes during halftime, and enacting the elaborate battle scenes of Agincourt in an effort to propel his players to victory, this evening’s gambit forced checkmate. When asked whom he would choose after Brian “the Grayhound” Gray’s first pick, the “Ingenious One” commented: “Who? Is this, ‘Grayhound,’ a coach in the Fantasyship? I’ve not heard of him. As a matter of fact, being my first year in the league, I assumed, naturally, that I would have first pick. Strange.” Peters then stood, pirouetted, and walked on water. “Wait,” you say, “that’s impossible!” To which I would normally respond, “Too true,” but this evening was different. The “Ingenious One,” agreeing to be interviewed at his Five-Points estate, was relieving his backend when I entered his home. We conducted our interview, over the rush of a drawing bathtub, throughout his bowel’s evacuation process in a posh-postmodern bathroom. After he wiped, mumbling “Fantasyship managers” under his breath, he climbed into his bathtub and walked from end-to-end on top of the water. “If a manager can achieve this,” he said, “then, and only then is he or she worthy of the Fantasyship. I doubt any such man or woman exists.” The question still stood, however, and so I asked again, “Your pick, ‘Ingenious One,’ whom will you choose?” To which Peters responded: “Fulham, only and ever.” It remains to be seen if the “Ingenious One” is so ingenious that he could win the Fantasyship with a lower tier team, but it guarantees one thing: as fans of the Fantasyship, we are poised for a tremendous exhibition, a clinic in football grandstanding.